lately

lately.
as of late.
life keeps happening.

and i find myself having
a lot of deep conversations
....with myself....
and want to share them
with someone else
but how do you go about that?

how do you explain the thoughts that
are really going through your head
as Duke gets dominated
and everyone around you cares more about
March Madness
but you can't stop thinking about the story of
a young woman in the book you just read
who was sold at the age of nine to a
brothel in Napal
and spent the next seven years locked in a room
with no hope, and no chance of escape.
only to contract HIV/AIDS
and die at the age of 22--my age
as a single mother of four daughters
who will continue to live, and work, in that brothel.

How do you adequately explain your
thoughts and fears about your own life
when your best friend
just told you the story of her life
the truth.
and you know it outweighs yours
yet it still brought back memories
of later than intended nights
and not so unnecessary conversations
and the back seat of once familiar cars
and all those "in the moment" moments
you've kept hidden deep inside of you.
but they haunt you nonetheless
and cause you to do crazy outlandish things
occasionally, like chop off all your hair
and or get your ears pierced
(except that hasn't happened yet)

how do you put into words
the heartache
of having someone you love
forget who you are

how do you make someone understand
the complexity of emotions you feel
when you find out the person you once thought
you'd get to spend forever with
found someone else to spend forever with.
that you can be happy and sad for them
but not heartbroken.
>>happy because you love them
and you can be excited for people you love
sad because sometimes life works out
for the liar, the cheater
and not for those of us who get hurt.
(and that seems unfair.)
and not heartbroken
because why would you waste another moment of
your life aching over someone
who caused you more pain when they were committed
than they ever deserve to know they caused when they were not<<
and that even though you cried for a minute
you really are completely fine.

how do you let someone know
you love them
without falling in love with them.
how do you thank them for doing things
that touch you so deeply and personally
without sounding silly
or ungrateful.
because you cannot get those words out.
is silence more powerful?
should you hide tears or let them go?

i've just been wondering.