Our Valentine's Tradition (Weekend)

no cars go

I've been thinking a lot lately--usually between the hours of midnight and five and the moments I find myself in my office or car or apartment alone--about what I am doing. Travis and I talk about our plans: he makes amortization schedules and excel spreadsheets and I do a lot of "word vomiting" as we like to call it. It is driving me crazy.

 I am in my second semester of my PhD and there are so many wonderful things about it. There are days (or at least moments of the days) where I am so excited about the potential I have here: the research, the students, the people I get to meet, the conferences I can attend, the things I am learning and continue to learn. I get this skip to my step and my mind starts playing all my old lacrosse pump-up songs in my head. But for the most part, I feel out of sync and out of place. I feel like I don't deserve to be here. I feel like I have no clue what is going on and that I am not contributing anything to this field. I didn't study it as an undergrad. I don't understand everything to the level that most of my cohorts do. And I it is not necessarily a cake walk--a lot of things are really hard. Last semester I had some hard, time consuming courses. This semester I took a lighter load but I feel like I haven't quite caught up. I've changed my research direction a little to try and accommodate the reason I want a PhD (so I can teach) while still trying to contribute to the reason why I am actually here (Alzheimer's disease/John and Anna Marie). Teaching is my favorite thing to do but I feel like I am failing at that lately too. So many crazy things have happened lately at home, with family members, losing good friends, etc. There's some personal health issues I am working on as well which doesn't help the energy levels or self perception. I am trying to be the same level of TA that I have been in the past but it's like I can't quite get there. I hold reviews or teach lectures and I'm not quite on parr. It makes me feel like I actually can't teach and this is all for nothing.

The truth is, and I haven't been able to admit this yet, I am actually quite miserable lately.

Then I think about my future. What is it I actually want to do with my life? I want to be mom first and foremost. I want to be there for my children and my husband and play games with them and teach them how to love the alphabet and say all the animal sounds like my mom did. I want to have a house of my own. I want to decorate it differently every season and put christmas sheets on all the beds every December and keep fresh flowers on the table all through spring. I want a little garden and swing and a yard. I want to travel. I want to be able to just get up and go. I want to take pictures and know what lens to use when and feel comfortable with photoshop. I want to keep up with my journals, scrapbooks, projects, etc. I want a dog and a fish. I want to learn how to weave and sew little clothes and hem church pants and make ties. I want to write songs on the piano and actually master the guitar.

I think most of us do, right?

But I also want to be smart! I want to be able to stand up and say that I did more. That I never gave up. That I reached for the stars and actually caught one. I want to finish what I started. I want to be able to prove to my father that I did something with my life. I want to make John and Anna Marie proud--show them that I love them! I want to learn. And more than anything with this program, I want to teach.

And I am trying to figure out how to make both of those dreams possible.

a little getaway

mom

This is my mom and I love her. 

Fading.

How is it possible to feel so happy and so sad at the same time?

getting out of bed

i've found it hard to get out of bed most mornings lately.
it's not that i am sleeping (sleepy yes but able to sleep, no)
we have been trying hard to figure it out--the not sleeping thing.
and my husband has been doing a great job of ignoring the alarm as well.

i get so upset at night about the strangest things:
overwhelmed by a sad story i read in the newspaper.
overworked over a homework problem i may or may not have done wrong
worried about how i am going to get a part of my program done, three years from now.
and it's a heart racing, excessive sweating, the only thing I can do is cry type of upset.

so i am just as much if not more exhausted by the time i wake up in the morning to get to that 7:30 birth control alarm as i was when i tried so hard to go to bed the night before.
and no amount of keeping our apartment at 68 degrees, deep breathing, melatonin, tea, warm milk, lavender epsom salt baths, five mile runs, and calming music seems to help.

and the lack of sleep is really starting to get to me.

my extraordinary, ordinary life

This is my extraordinary, ordinary life. 

I don't have it all figured out. 

As a student: 

I'm doing research (I didn't start) and submitting papers (I didn't write)

and trying to find grant proposals for projects (I do not understand). 

I'm being 100% confused as to my purpose as a graduate student.

As a TA: 

I'm attending lectures (I already have memorized)

I'm holding office hours (that no one attends)

I'm giving test reviews and grading papers 

(for students who don't love biology the way I do). 

As a friend: 

I'm forgetting to send happy birthday texts,

never asking to see the new baby, 

having a hard time responding to messages 

but trying to go out, give advice, and show love

As a church member: 

I'm working on praying both morning and night, 

I'm falling asleep during my morning scripture study,

I'm not sure what ward I'm suppose to attend,

So technically I'm considered "inactive"

But I'm seeing God's hand in every aspect of my life

As a wife: 

I'm constantly being amazed by my sweet, 

incredibly perfect for me husband. 

Attempting dinners and making my husband feel loved.

Ignoring the piles of laundry and list of things to clean.

And expressing my gratitude for my family

As an individual:

I am getting out of bed each morning. 

Taking the time to dress up. 

Ruining cute outfits with the strapping on of my FitBit

Finding beautiful moments in the hectic days.

Studying and working hard. 

Taking deep breaths. 

Dreaming. 

We are all: 

Trying our best. 

This week I will do a little better. 

[Go watch About Time on Vid Angel and prepare to have your life changed]