getting out of bed

i've found it hard to get out of bed most mornings lately.
it's not that i am sleeping (sleepy yes but able to sleep, no)
we have been trying hard to figure it out--the not sleeping thing.
and my husband has been doing a great job of ignoring the alarm as well.

i get so upset at night about the strangest things:
overwhelmed by a sad story i read in the newspaper.
overworked over a homework problem i may or may not have done wrong
worried about how i am going to get a part of my program done, three years from now.
and it's a heart racing, excessive sweating, the only thing I can do is cry type of upset.

so i am just as much if not more exhausted by the time i wake up in the morning to get to that 7:30 birth control alarm as i was when i tried so hard to go to bed the night before.
and no amount of keeping our apartment at 68 degrees, deep breathing, melatonin, tea, warm milk, lavender epsom salt baths, five mile runs, and calming music seems to help.

and the lack of sleep is really starting to get to me.

my extraordinary, ordinary life

This is my extraordinary, ordinary life. 

I don't have it all figured out. 

As a student: 

I'm doing research (I didn't start) and submitting papers (I didn't write)

and trying to find grant proposals for projects (I do not understand). 

I'm being 100% confused as to my purpose as a graduate student.

As a TA: 

I'm attending lectures (I already have memorized)

I'm holding office hours (that no one attends)

I'm giving test reviews and grading papers 

(for students who don't love biology the way I do). 

As a friend: 

I'm forgetting to send happy birthday texts,

never asking to see the new baby, 

having a hard time responding to messages 

but trying to go out, give advice, and show love

As a church member: 

I'm working on praying both morning and night, 

I'm falling asleep during my morning scripture study,

I'm not sure what ward I'm suppose to attend,

So technically I'm considered "inactive"

But I'm seeing God's hand in every aspect of my life

As a wife: 

I'm constantly being amazed by my sweet, 

incredibly perfect for me husband. 

Attempting dinners and making my husband feel loved.

Ignoring the piles of laundry and list of things to clean.

And expressing my gratitude for my family

As an individual:

I am getting out of bed each morning. 

Taking the time to dress up. 

Ruining cute outfits with the strapping on of my FitBit

Finding beautiful moments in the hectic days.

Studying and working hard. 

Taking deep breaths. 

Dreaming. 

We are all: 

Trying our best. 

This week I will do a little better. 

[Go watch About Time on Vid Angel and prepare to have your life changed] 

lake days

THIS is what summer is all about.
We wait all year to be able to come out on the boat and do some surfing and boarding and tubing and reading and cheezit eating!

And what is summer without my new friend Swan Ronson... 

They abandoned us in the middle of the lake on this thing :) 

Happy Summer!!!

Havasupai: people of blue-green water

The 10 mile hike. The crystal clear water. The birds and bugs. The waterfalls. The stampeding horses. It was all amazingly and incredibly spectacular. As I shared on Instagram: In my family, if you don't come home from a vacation more exhausted than when you left, you did something wrong. Well we definitely did something right because I am SO tired! But so filled with wonderful memories and already dreaming of my next trip to this paradise. Here are only a handful of the hundreds of pictures we took.