Twenty & One

I am now twenty-one years old.

I have neglected to write on this blog for a little while and I am not sure how to catch up...except to say that I owe everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) to my Father in Heaven. His timing and his love are perfect. Thanks to him, my life has worked out even better than I could have possibly imagined it would.

I thought my life was falling apart

But instead, all the pieces fell together. It's funny how it only takes one night. (or maybe Mat Kearney said it best: what a difference a day makes).

Now everything is perfect. And I spent my 21st birthday with the people I love the very most. My family,  my best friends, and my sunshine.

My best friends!

The Killpacks! 

(Ethan Evans got home!!! We went to his homecoming that morning)

Kara and my mom put together a little birthday "surprise" party for me. A bunch of friends came over and we had cake and ice cream. I think the best part about it was being able to catch up with people I love that I haven't seen in a loooong time. My roommates from The Village came and some high school friends, some college friends, and some ward friends. It was perfect and it was fun. Also, I got a few super great gifts. My grandparents gave me a painting that I have loved for so long. I cried when I opened it because it meant so much to me. It's the presents like that that I love. Especially when I give them. It was a great birthday! It feels weird saying I am 21 now.

In other news: my dearest friend, Katie Lewis, left on her mission. She is going to the Alpine Germany mission and I got a letter from her today. She is doing great. It was hard to say goodbye but it has been fun writing her letters and telling her about all the exciting things that has happened in my life since she has left (which surprising has been a lot) 

I have been spending a lot of time with my family lately. A little more than a week ago I got my grandparents and cousins and siblings to go see Tarzan with me at the Scera Shell. I knew a few members of the cast and really wanted to see them. It was a fun night of music and dippin' dots and taking thousands of pictures with my sweet cousin Madie. I think shows at the Scera Shell are so fun! I love that you can be outside and bring blankets and look up at the stars during the slow songs. 

A few days after the play my family decided to take our trailer up to Mirror Lake and spend the weekend fishing for my dad's Father's Day present. We caught some fish and went on some hikes and told some jokes. It was a really fun weekend--especially watching Warm Bodies with everyone in the trailer that night. In the morning we walked/rode bikes around the lake. It is beautiful! 

And because it was Father's Day, here are a few precious pictures of me and my dad. 

I love that last one! 

These are my cute parents. I don't think they meant to coordinate their outfits so perfectly because they were surprised when I told them how good they looked together when they got home. 

SOOO happy birthday to me!! 

It's been a wonderful last few weeks!

But the best story is yet to come. The one where my life changed forever! 

The Wonder Years

I recently ran into this quote at the end of a graduation video I looked up:

"Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been and look ahead to what would be. Other days, now days, days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves for growing up. " 

I had never heard of The Wonder Years--turns out it was one of my mom's favorite shows to watch--but I fell in love with this quote and went looking for more. It is always always always a problem when I go quote hunting because I get COMPLETELY absorbed and sucked in to the words. It's like each quote speaks to me a little, comforts me, relates to me. I love them all so much! But I thought I would share a few of my favorite quotes from the show The Wonder Years:

Growing Up:

"When you're a little kid you're a bit of everything; Scientist, Philosopher, Artist. Sometimes it seems like growing up is giving these things up one at a time."

"You start out life with a clean slate. Then you begin to make your mark. You face decisions, make choices. You keep moving forward. But sooner or later there comes a time where you look back over where you have been...and wonder who you really are."

"Growing up is full of big moments. Some of them you can see coming from a mile away; and some you can't see at all."

"The friends who grew up with you deserve a special respect. The ones who stuck by you shoulder to shoulder, in a time where nothing was certain, all life lay ahead, and every road led home."

Love:

"All of our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone that makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us."

"Oh, yeah. . . Love. Once upon a time, it was simple. If you liked somebody, you let them know. And if you didn't, you let them know. One way or another, you knew where you stood. But as you get older, communication gets more. . . complicated."   How true is this??

"In junior high school, there were days when you felt like nothing was worth getting out of bed for. But then, you remembered... you were going to see her.. Your day was gonna have all these moments... moments that were full of possibility. When you were sure that something... something... was going to happen."

"When you're 16, logic and experience don't matter. All that matters is the way you feel and the way you felt. . . the first time you knew it was love. " 

"Sometimes in love there's no simple fix. Sometimes you just have to hang on. . . and lead with your heart. "

"I'm so sorry. I know I did something terrible, horrible to you, and if I could take it back, I would. Sometimes I wish you would just do something horrible to me and then we'd be even. But you, you would never do that. It's just all these things are happening and I need someone. You're the only one I can talk to. You've always been the only one. "

 "I never knew until that moment, what it was like to lose something I never really had."

"You just can't make someone fall in love with you. You know, you just can't make them. It's just gotta happen. "

This one is my personal favorite--"There are other things we have to find before we find each other." 

Truth/Random:

"When you're a kid, it's simple. Christmas is magic. It's a time of miracles, when reindeer can fly, and Frosty never melts. Then you get older. Somehow, things change. The magic begins to fade. Until something happens that reminds you at Christmas time... miracles still can be found. Sometimes in the most unexpected places." 

"In your life you meet people, some you never think about again, some you wonder what happened to them, there are some that you wonder if they ever think about you and then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. . . but you do. " 

"Over the course of the average lifetime you meet a lot of people. Some of them stick with you through thick and thin. Some weave their way through your life and disappear forever. But once in a while someone comes along who earns a permanent place in your heart. "

"Your memory is a way of holding on to what you are, what you love, and what you never want to lose."

"Change is never easy. You fight to hold on, you fight to let go." - The Wonder Years

"That night we talked. . . about life, about our times together. Maybe we weren't the same two kids we had once been. But some things never change. Some things last. And even though I didn't know what was going to happen to us, or where we were going. . . I just knew I couldn't let her out of my life. " 

If you haven't seen this amazing show (it has been 25 years since it all began) it's on netflix. It has all the charm of Boy Meets World, all the romance of My Girl, all the humor of Little Rascals, and enough interesting dates and facts to make the history channel proud. I love how family-centered it is! (I mean, name a show now that shows a family eating dinner together every night with everyone being expected to be there). But mostly, I love how real it is. I love that it is written from the perspective of a grown man looking back at his life and realizing how it was all the little moments, insignificant relationships, minor details that ended up making him who he was. How many times do we look back on our lives like this? 

One last quote:

Things never turn out exactly the way you planned. I know they didn't with me. Still, like my father used to say, 'Traffic's traffic, you go where life takes you' and growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next you're gone, but the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a time, a place, a particular fourth of July, the things that happened in that decade of war and change. I remember a house like a lot of houses, a yard like a lot of yards, on a street like a lot of other streets. I remember how hard it was growing up among people and places I loved. Most of all, I remember how hard it was to leave. And the thing is, after all these years I still look back in wonder.

Look back in wonder! Isn't that what we end up doing? Looking back and realizing how perfectly things played out, how incredible each moment ended up being, how completely idealic every little coincidence or mishap shaped us into who we are now. Isn't it wonderful? Full of wonder? 

These are beautiful words to me. They make me feel like writing my autobiography! (maybe someday) And they definitely make me think about things in a different perspective, as if I were looking back on my current life from some future date. I also have those times, places, fourth of Julys, etc that have stuck with me and changed me in a way and I am sure all of you do too. I hope with all my heart that I can continually look back in wonder at those times and places and people and historical events and realize why things ended up happening the way they did. 

For now, I will just continue to fall in love with a teenage Fred Savage and constantly have "get by with a little help from my friends" stuck in my head. I have found a new obsession. oops. 

Watch this and try not to fall in love!

The Wonder Years

-C

standing at the crossroads

You see that picture? That girl standing at the crossroads? Well that's me. On my way home from work today, my sister and I decided to take the long way home from park city, up and over the mountain. We stopped to take a picture at this sign because everything was so beautiful. And since we were raised in a family that believes someone should always be in a picture I jumped out of the car and shyly smiled....it wasn't until later--much much later--that I realized how (pathetic, symbolic, meaningful, truthful, real, sad, accurate) this picture really is.

I feel like I am at a crossroads-esque point in my life.

You know that whole "sometimes you just have to make a decision and go with it" thing that we have been told our entire lives? Well, I did that. I made a decision, prayed about it, put my whole heart into the "going forward with faith" thing feeling confident that things would turn out alright. But I guess it was a loop trail--really pretty scenery that you are extremely grateful you saw, but you end up where you started feeling like you haven't come far at all.

Ok, that is not exactly true. I feel like I have come pretty far. I may be back where I started but at least I have a new perspective right? I'm approaching it from a new direction?

So what do you do when you come to a crossroad? Let's look at it from a "oh you're a Cook and your family hikes a lot" perspective. First things first, you don't turn around and go back in the direction you came from. At least, not until you reach your destination. You choose a new direction or keep going in your same general direction and you continue forward. Sometimes there will be dead ends, sometimes there will be new crossroads, and sometimes there will be other paths that cross our path. We can deal with those as we go. Sometimes old trails link up with new trails and you end up going where you originally planned. Sometimes fallen trees or bad weather keep you from going certain directions. But think of it this way, these paths are there for a reason and they lead somewhere. If you keep putting one foot in front of the other then you just might end up someplace spectacular (isn't it funny how after a long hard hike, the thing you are hiking too seems even cooler than you expected because of how long and hard the trip was?).

Another thing about trails. There are usually maps. However, they don't do you very much good if you don't know how to use one (or if you don't use one at all). My family often tries the "don't use a map" route. Sometimes this works out. Sometimes it doesn't. But I always feel safer knowing exactly where I am going, how long it will take to get there, and what I will need to be able to survive the adventure. (I don't travel easy with my family). Some crossroads, like this, help those of us without maps to know where each direction will lead you. This is really helpful. Especially when you realize that there really is no wrong way to go. There is just a good, a better, and a best way to go. These signs don't tell you which one that is because it's subject to change with each on-comer. Use your judgement. It won't take you long to figure out if you chose the wrong direction.

Bring water, use sunscreen, where appropriate clothing, and know basic first aid including how to de=tick yourself and anyone else you are sharing the trail with. This is the wild and crazy things happen out there in the wilds.

Real life application? (Is it really so hard to figure out? apply it as you will)

My point is, life is a mess of trails. And we are set loose to start winding our way along them. Thankfully for me, the gospel has given me a destination as well as instructions and a map of how to get there. but due to circumstances--some in and some out of my control--the instructions are not always clear and I do not always think I need a map. I get lost. Just like everybody else. Eventually I know I'm going to find my way back to that main trail--that straight and narrow path--and that is all that matters. I just have to figure out which path is going to do that in the best way possible.

At the moment, I don't know what that is. This is scary and frustrating for me. I feel like I am lost, like I do not know which way I am suppose to go. I feel like everything I was sure about has been ripped out from underneath me. But that's ok. I have had so many incredible experiences that have brought me closer to my Savior and Father in Heaven because of this. I know that they are there and that they want me to be happy. I know they have a plan. I have a plan. They see a more complete picture than I do. I have to have faith in this. I cannot give up hope. Patience has never been my strongest virtue but I know that I have to be patient. But I also know I have to pick another direction to go in--work towards something. So I did that. So far things are not looking as good as I hoped but I know what I know and I am what I am and because of this I CANNOT FAIL!

To go along with the whole road/path/direction/wandering theme of this post, HERE are two talks my mom had me read today (walking in circles by President Uchtdorf and move forward with faith by Elder Nielson). She thinks I'm going around in circles. I beg to differ. (At least I am trying my hardest not to be so counter-productive) But something about both of them hit hard.

On a happier note, here are a few pictures of my incredible weekend, including today: Lake Powell, my best friend's farewell, and a day spent working/driving/eating snowcones/running/visiting sundance/eating sushi with my sissy.

Ponderosa Pines

This last weekend, my family went down to Bryce Canyon so that my dad could run the Bryce 100 endurance run. It was such a wonderful weekend.

The last time we were in Bryce I was seven and my family was in Utah for spring break and decided to do a national park vacation. We traveled all over Utah visiting every park and forest and monument we could. So many hikes. So many nights spent trying to catch a snipe. So much disappointment. But all I remember about Bryce was getting to our camp spot after dark and listening to mom and dad argue about keeping the food outside because of the "beware of skunks" signs we had seen. My dad won the argument with "it's too cold for skunks" (which I would have believed--that was one of the coldest nights of my life). But, as usual, my mom should have won--we woke up with a camp ranger yelling at our tent door because we had skunks all over the campsite eating our food.

Here are some pictures from that week's adventures. 

I sure do love my family!

This last weekend's adventure was just as spectacular--minus the skunks--and ended up being exactly what I needed. (I hate to say that I am good at running away but...I am good at running away. Literally...running) We left on Thursday around 4 so that we could get there in time for dad to sign in and drop off his drop bags. I asked if anyone needed insect repellent while we walked around but my dad said "it's too cold for bugs." Boy was he wrong. You'd think we would learn lessons the first time. Note to self: it is never too cold in Bryce Canyon! 

Bryce Canyon City is a sweet little town. Lot's of cute places to get keepsakes (my new favorite word). And, although Ruby's Inn is the historic and famous place to say, our Best Western hotel was new and nice and had a wonderful buffet breakfast when we woke up. 

Dad started his race around 5:30. Most of these 100 mile runs have a 36 hour time limit but you can meet your runners at different aid stations along the way to get them food, new shoes, medicine, and send them on their way with pacers and cold water. The first aid station you can get to by car for this race was at mile fifty and since it takes my dad about 14 hours to get to that point, we had the majority of the day to do what we wanted. So we decided to drive through Bryce Canyon. 

All I can say is that I am glad I didn't remember how spectacular this place was. I promise on my life, I lost my breath when we hiked up the first little hill and came across this: 

 The amazing thing about Bryce Canyon is that you can drive through it to the very top and if you never get out of your car you will wonder why on earth it was set aside as a National Park. But get out at any of the look-out parking lots and walk fifteen feet to the edge and it's like a little piece of heaven on earth--a glimpse at the true craftsmanship of God. What an artist he is. A perfect, perfect artist. Words cannot describe the wonder I felt all weekend, walking around these red rocks. I have red rock blood in me. Something about the desert seems to sing--this weekend was no different.

I think one of my favorite things to do is crew for my dad's crazy races. So many interesting people and I love interesting people. But mostly, I love watching my dad run. I have been raised being told that I am a Cook and Cooks can do hard things. I grew up with giants--aunts, uncles, grandparents--who have done and conquered and achieved unbelievable things. I want to be just like them. But a few years ago when my dad took up ultra running on a whim I thought he was crazy. When he finished his first 100 miler with a broken leg I thought he was insane. But there's something about it that gets in your blood. Something about the aloneness of it, the challenge of it, the "being out in nature" part of it. I understand now why these people get so in to it. I want to be a part of these races my entire life.

For a couple of his races my dad has asked me to help pace him. I am not a runner by any means but I love doing this with my dad. This time, I got to finish it with him. This was a really special experience for me. He came in to the aid station where we were waiting for him at mile 89 around 9 on Saturday morning--a lot later than we expected him but still on track to finish in 30 hours. He was tired and the night had been cold (but let me tell you--the stars.... oh my goodness. Supposedly Bryce Canyon is one of the least light-polluted areas in the U.S. and I believe it. I got lost in those stars) but he was still putting one foot in front of the other. And by that point, that's really all you can do.

A lot of those last 11 or so miles (a little mis-marked) was spent on a dirt trail going up and down hills through burnt up forest and ponderosa pines (have you ever heard so beautiful of a name for a tree?!?) I guess you could say that I had a lot of alone time out there in the middle of no where. Sure my dad was there, maybe a hundred feet behind me, but he didn't say much. I only heard him when he would drag his walking poles on the flat parts or when I would ask him questions about needing a salt tablet and remind him to take a drink. You are like this after ninety miles. We didn't run much, just walked.

There was this moment when I suddenly felt so alone. Everything I have been dealing with, all the things I am going through, it all seemed to weigh down on me suddenly and I felt as burnt out as the trees I as walking through. My dad seemed to disappear and I was all alone. I thought about people and places that I loved and missed. I thought about my life--up until a few short days ago I thought I had things figured out. I knew what direction I was going in and who I was going in it with but all that was gone now. It was just me and the decisions. So many decisions and what seems like no time to make them and too many people waiting for me to fail. I already felt small after a night under the stars but now I felt lost and alone and I wasn't sure if I was on the right road (not just metaphorically, I was in charge of looking for the race's trail markers and I hadn't seen one in a while). But if I have learned one thing in my life, it is that moments like these are the reason why I know that there is a Heavenly Father out there watching over me. Because just when I want to give up, just when I think I can't possibly take one more step I am suddenly overcome with peace. I start to notice the flowers. The millions of colorful wildflowers springing up out of the burnt landscape. And a bird starts to sing and my dad whistles back. And the sunlight breaks through the clouds and streams through the trees casting a cozy glow in the dusty air. Suddenly I am not alone anymore.

Sometimes there are moments when you know, you just know, that there are people there. People you can't see. Walking right beside you.

My dad finished the race in a little over 30 hours. He was so tired. He sat in a freezing cold lake for a half hour and then fell asleep in the car. He didn't move the whole ride home. Yesterday he started having really bad stomach pains. Today we are all waiting to see if things get worse or really worse. Something about a schematic valve and not getting enough oxygen to certain areas of the body when you're under a lot of physical stress--like when you run 100 miles in a day. We are praying everything will be ok.

There are still hundreds of miles left to run.

But for now, I keep turning to my weekend in the ponderosa's to keep me going. It's funny--adventure really is out there :)

-C