I read someone's instagram caption on NYE this year. It said something along the lines of "2015 kicked our butts but here is to making 2016 better!" I remember thinking that I would never have a year kick my butt. But so far 2016 has.
Sickness, exhaustion, family struggles, death, surgeries, school, surprises, more sickness, and many many sleepless nights. I realize thinking back on it that my list of "wo-is-me's" is nothing compared to so many but for me, it was hard. As soon as I thought one hard thing was over, another would start. I haven't felt good this whole semester: lot's of throwing up, coughing, endless colds, sore throats, headaches (I used to never get headaches but I get them daily now), and random/sudden fevers. I got diagnosed with pleurisy--you literally cannot breathe with pleurisy--after a scary trip to the ER one Tuesday afternoon.
I had been struggling with weight gain since going on birth control and had signed up for a half marathon to kick myself back into shape but not being able to breath + running doesn't work so well. I had to skip the race. I felt like a failure. a big huge fat failure.
I stopped writing in my journal--why would I want to document. Travis and I haven't taken nearly as many pictures as we used to. He tells me I'm pretty but it's hard to believe when I feel like I do.
He has to talk to me at night so I can fall asleep. We've tried lots of things--watching tv shows, reading, lavendar baths, long walks, sleepy time teas. Nothing helped. I became depressed. I know something was wrong. I was moody and tired and shaky. I was sick all the time (and I was not pregnant, although many people asked). I went on a diet that was suppose to help the IBS type stuff and rebalance my gut microbiome--it's a cause I truly believe in but it didn't work too well for me. I would spend days in agonizing constipation-related pain and days with more painful explosive diarrhea. It has been the worst. Today was my first day off the 30 day diet and I had a piece of chocolate cake and a cazookie. At least those foods made me happy.
Happy. I have wanted to be happy.
I have tried too! So hard. I think I've done an ok time faking it. And I have had moments of complete happiness and peace.
So I started a happiness project. I bought myself some flowers. I decided to find things that helped reduce the anxiety: reading books, taking baths, buying myself a new pretty shirt or dress every once in a while (I have four new pieces of clothing that I love). I take pictures of flowers! One day I mentioned to Travis I wanted to learn how to weave; he made me a loom the next day and we went out and bought yarn. I made my first two simple weavings (following youtube's instructions) while watching the superbowl (one of them is tear-stained from Coldplay's halftime performance...ya I cried!). Travis decided we needed (and could afford) a vacation and we have been planning our trip we will take soon down to the tiniest detail. I've worked on school 100%--building my curriculum for the bio100 course I'll be teaching next year. I've learned some basic programming (thanks 100% to my amazing and patient husband--he also taught me how to make concrete lamps).
I visit my mom a lot. Call my granny (or take off for short weekend trips to visit her and grumps and the sunshine in st. george--it is beautiful and flower-full right now, so amazing). I hold my cat. I make lists. I started packing for our trip weeks ago. I scrubbed my floors. I pinned on pinterest (although sometimes this makes me sad. I want my own place so badly!). I slowly began exercising again and the other day I went 10 miles on the treadmill. Yesterday I went 6 miles up in the hills. I'm slowly getting back to speed.
I have an amazing husband. He understands what so many people never see. Most people would (and do) tell me to snap out of it, stop pretending/feeling bad for yourself/being dramatic, or buck up and be tough. I hate it. Don't you think I am trying my best? But Trav sees what they don't--the red eyes after vomiting, the light on in the bathroom when I am so sick, the bags under my eyes after sleepless night. He makes these ugly months beautiful and I don't know what I would do without him.
I'm trying now to focus on flowers.
I'm done with all my school work. I don't have any finals. I am so close to being able to escape for a minute. I am so excited for some sunshine and some salty air and some time to forget about this semester and all that was lost and all that was gained.
Flowers are beautiful! I'm going to fill my life with flowers from now on.