I've been thinking a lot lately--usually between the hours of midnight and five and the moments I find myself in my office or car or apartment alone--about what I am doing. Travis and I talk about our plans: he makes amortization schedules and excel spreadsheets and I do a lot of "word vomiting" as we like to call it. It is driving me crazy.
I am in my second semester of my PhD and there are so many wonderful things about it. There are days (or at least moments of the days) where I am so excited about the potential I have here: the research, the students, the people I get to meet, the conferences I can attend, the things I am learning and continue to learn. I get this skip to my step and my mind starts playing all my old lacrosse pump-up songs in my head. But for the most part, I feel out of sync and out of place. I feel like I don't deserve to be here. I feel like I have no clue what is going on and that I am not contributing anything to this field. I didn't study it as an undergrad. I don't understand everything to the level that most of my cohorts do. And I it is not necessarily a cake walk--a lot of things are really hard. Last semester I had some hard, time consuming courses. This semester I took a lighter load but I feel like I haven't quite caught up. I've changed my research direction a little to try and accommodate the reason I want a PhD (so I can teach) while still trying to contribute to the reason why I am actually here (Alzheimer's disease/John and Anna Marie). Teaching is my favorite thing to do but I feel like I am failing at that lately too. So many crazy things have happened lately at home, with family members, losing good friends, etc. There's some personal health issues I am working on as well which doesn't help the energy levels or self perception. I am trying to be the same level of TA that I have been in the past but it's like I can't quite get there. I hold reviews or teach lectures and I'm not quite on parr. It makes me feel like I actually can't teach and this is all for nothing.
The truth is, and I haven't been able to admit this yet, I am actually quite miserable lately.
Then I think about my future. What is it I actually want to do with my life? I want to be mom first and foremost. I want to be there for my children and my husband and play games with them and teach them how to love the alphabet and say all the animal sounds like my mom did. I want to have a house of my own. I want to decorate it differently every season and put christmas sheets on all the beds every December and keep fresh flowers on the table all through spring. I want a little garden and swing and a yard. I want to travel. I want to be able to just get up and go. I want to take pictures and know what lens to use when and feel comfortable with photoshop. I want to keep up with my journals, scrapbooks, projects, etc. I want a dog and a fish. I want to learn how to weave and sew little clothes and hem church pants and make ties. I want to write songs on the piano and actually master the guitar.
I think most of us do, right?
But I also want to be smart! I want to be able to stand up and say that I did more. That I never gave up. That I reached for the stars and actually caught one. I want to finish what I started. I want to be able to prove to my father that I did something with my life. I want to make John and Anna Marie proud--show them that I love them! I want to learn. And more than anything with this program, I want to teach.
And I am trying to figure out how to make both of those dreams possible.